I feel really stupid and helpless most of the time.

“Maybe I should cry for help, maybe I should just kill myself; blame it on my ADD, baby.”

so much has happened and maybe i should start writing regularly again. i keep forgetting to.

but i’m at that point again. i’m beginning to hate every thing again. just existing is hard sometimes. and i’m trying so hard. i feel like i’m putting in so much effort and that i’ve changed so much but no one notices. no one applauds me. no one seems to care. maybe that’s why i dreaded my hair. don’t get me wrong, i like it. i think it looks cool. i think it would be a neat experience. but i did it impulsively. i just decided i wanted to do it and live with it even if i didn’t like it. my mom used to call it self mutilation when i did things like this. i do them subconsciously to hurt myself. to do something that is so irrational and detrimental in a way that isn’t really that important to anyone but me. it gives me a change. i’ve been doing it since i was 15. so maybe part of the reason i did it was because i’m in that place again. and maybe i feel like no one notices me. maybe i’m scared of every thing in the future. maybe i just forgot that my mom actually cares, even if it is only about trivial things like my appearance. you know, things that make her look good to other people and make her feel good about herself as a mom. things like me dying my hair like her, having my ear pierced like her, doing well in school, believing the same things as her, etc. nothing is ever going to change.

once i graduated i thought it would, i thought it was changing, but it didn’t really. only on the surface. i’m afraid that i won’t be able to live on my own until i’m close to my thirties and am married. if i ever even get married. i mean i can take care of myself and cook and clean and even take care of kids but i’m afraid to ever get a real job and have a career and to pay bills and do taxes and be an adult. sometimes i feel like i’m not capable and like i won’t be for a very long time. if i decide to do this whole lawyer thing, that’s almost another 7 years. that is 7 years of relying on her and having to deal with the way she is. i noticed my dad isn’t as bad as he used to be, but she is. she will never change. no matter what. and i hate that. sometimes i hate her. i hate her so much. i don’t want to have to feel this way for 7 more years.

half of the reason i loved lynchburg so much was because i got to get away from her. when she was mad at me, i just wouldn’t answer her phone calls until she promised not to yell and to talk about whatever it was civilly. she hated that. i loved it. i hate that i have to do whatever she says no matter what. i hate that she has so much control over me. i don’t want to deal with it. i want to leave but i have no where to go and every thing i have would be taken away. even my car, that was given to me as my ONLY birthday present when i turned 19, belongs to her. even though it was a present to me and i pay her for insurance and i pay for all of the gas. i have nothing. and i’m so scared to leave. she has trained me to believe that i can’t function without her. brainwashed to the point that i believe her and it scares me so much. i hate being so scared. i hate feeling this way. she finally called a therapist for me. after 5 years of hinting and asking her to, she finally did it. i honestly have no idea why, after all this time, she started to pay attention. during my senior year she saw the cuts on my arms and just pretended she didn’t. that same year when i told her i didn’t want to live sometimes and that i had thought about suicide… she didn’t get me help. she slapped me across the face and left the room. and that was that.

i don’t think about suicide anymore but sometimes, i just don’t want to even exist anymore. sometimes, the emotional pain is so great that it becomes physical, if even only for a few moments. and it is one of the most uncomfortable pains that i have ever felt. don’t get me wrong, i love erin and lauren and allie and all my friends but i’m so happy i have jay. he is slowing filling the place that austin held for years. which scares me and makes me ecstatic. but then again, sometimes i still miss the conversations and relationship that i had with austin. the original one, of course. the summer after 10th grade.